If you're here, I guess it's because you've ignored all advice, from your uncle and maybe even from your inner voice calling you to invest moderately. Maybe, like me, you didn't do your own research, all those candles on the chart ended up lighting up in your mind. And your mind, colorblind under the influence of emotion, did not distinguish green from red: you just invested. A lot. More than you can afford to lose.

Guide: How to Survive the Crypto-Apocalypse

If I tell you about it so easily, it's because I know how it goes.

So, between crypto-degens – or if you don't like English, let's say crypto-crazy if you prefer – between crypto-degens, we have to support each other. And that is why I am writing to you. And I hope you too recognize that you are screwed. It is very therapeutic to recognize it. It's even the first step in healing (or so it seems).

You see, I also lost in cryptocurrencies. Verry much. And guess what ? I am still alive. Even more alive than ever. So I know where you are right now and trust my experience, you won't die. I know how not to die. How to make sure that when the dust settles, you'll still be standing.

It's a step-by-step process.

Because at times like this, there is no room for explanations. Either, you will listen and survive. Either you don't, and you won't survive. You might think that's a bit of a stretch, but you'd be wrong.

You see, experts and very important websites tell you that you must be afraid, because all the metrics are gray or black or red… or even hell.

So let's get to it, how to literally survive the crypto-apocalypse. In 5 easy to follow steps.

Step 1. Food and water

So first of all, we must continue to ensure the vital functions. When times are apocalyptic like they are right now (the price of all cryptocurrencies is still at rock bottom and promises to go down even further), it demands doomsday measures. If you think I'm kidding, go ahead now, get outta here like those idiots did in boom 2017 and bust 2018. It wasn't pretty, I'm telling you, in 2017 and 2018: 200 billion cryptocurrencies thrown into the fire, like that.

And so, I tell you, you have to eat. Food is key. Because dying is useless. Those who died in 2017 did not imagine that bitcoin would still climb to 69,000 sacred dollars in November 2021. You have to eat. And I know that it's not easy when you have nothing left, with this capitulation (the word capitulation, you see, it comes from caput , which means the head; capitulation tends to screw up your brain, I speak to you from experience.) 

And you have to keep hydrating. It is crucial.

A regulation bathtub contains approximately 300 litres. Come on, fill me in. And dive into it, it feels good. I will also recommend bottled water, but now is not the time, with all this business, to be looking for the holy bottle of Norwegian luxury.

Take what you can get and as long as the electricity is still connected you can still boil rainwater if needed.

Step 2. Weapons and Security

Once you get enough water and canned goods, you need to equip yourself.

If you don't have access to guns or live in a city where you're treated like a child, it's best to find guns as soon as possible. Baseball bat, golf club, tire iron. Anything.

Step 3. Shelter and warmth

There is no Metaverse or pixelated earth that can help keep you warm and protected. No it is wrong. It's as real as it gets. If you live in a dorm, roommate, or other place where there's even a remote chance of HODLERS , Apes , Degens, or anyone else related to a crypto-subculture, you have to get out now!

You'll never know until it's too late.

I've seen that before. The quiet kid down the hall, who stays alone and plays video games? Well, what you don't know is that this kid hasn't slept in days, he's been staring at red screens of death non-stop for hours, his shirt is covered in macaroni and cheese in the microwave of the previous days, Mountain Dew running through his veins and watching his life fall apart. It's ready to explode at any moment and you don't want to be there when it does. Believe me.

If you're in a city, it's usually a good idea to get out, unless of course you can secure and protect the entire perimeter, including top to bottom.

Leave the city now, before it gets overrun and infested! And don't go to sea. The whales, you remember the whales that have accumulated and are beginning to ask themselves questions! I repeat, do not go to sea.

Step 4. Positive Thinking

Positivity has succeeded in Justin Bieber, Oprah Winfrey and others. Will Smith also got into it recently, I'm told. It will work for you too. You just have to believe that you're going to be better off and you have to stop moping around. What's done is done, what's lost is lost.

A thing or two I learned from my good friend Jocko Willink (Navy Seal) is that push-ups are a depressed person's best friend. Try to do a hundred push-ups. The blood circulates, the sweat flows, you feel alive.

Breathe, slowly. Breathe deeply. Give yourself time, philosophize. Practice mindful meditation and all those things. Don't be afraid to face yourself. Your cryptos have plunged and not you. So shave that shaggy beard. Think of your neighbor who may take you for a tramp who wants to squat the building.

Don't be afraid to open up to people you trust. And above all, don't make this funeral face. You still survived the COVID pandemic . There were a thousand little deaths that you could have died of. But you are still standing.

Of course, this is all satire. It is inspired by all those people who say the current sluggishness of the cryptocurrency markets is preparing us for a real crypto-apocalypse.

Source: hackernoon

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